Dr. Wolfgang's All-Purpose Personality Test!

Interpersonal Issues

1. When immersed in social situations involving large numbers of people, you generally:

keep to yourself unless spoken to
try to converse with as many different people as possible
immediately remove some or all of your clothing
determine which one of the throng would be most likely able to thwart your evil plans for world domination

2. You are being considered for a job at a rather prestigious company. Having made the initial cut, you have been invited to company headquarters for an interview. You decide to show up wearing:

a carefully-chosen outfit that will convey confidence, poise, and determination
something casual, because you're insistently paranoid about your laid-backedness
something suggestive... of your desire to work for the company, of course! (I'm not sure what YOU were thinking....)
a parrot

3. Which of the following sentences would most likely come out of your mouth?

"I reckon Billy Bob and me was goin' to the gro-cery shack."
"Welcome to McDonald's. Can I take your order?"
"Whaaazaaaaaauuuuuaaaaaaaaghgadtkjhfawdkfjhpp!!!"
"Your proposition is most beneficent, Mr. Dowling, but AAAAAH THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!! MAJOR JOE!?!?!! WHERE ARE YOU MAJOR JOE?!?!?!!"

4. Your initial impression of other people is generally determined by:

their appearance -- this is America, after all
their zodiacal sign, which you can instantly determine by examining that little cleft under their nose
obtaining a careful and critical understanding of the arguments that the Voices always have when you meet someone
inspecting the thickness of their crash helmet

5. While strolling down to the corner store, you are accosted by an old man dressed in pungent, fraying rags. The man is brandishing a dead frog, and fiercely inquires if you would like to spare him some change. You:

shrug your shoulders and move on, for this wretched blasphemer is already paying for the sins he refuses to repent, and will likely continue to burn in Hell for all eternity. Long live Pat Buchanan.
immediately flee the scene while shouting, "Run away! Run away!"
call up your buddies at the Pentagon and order up a full-scale nuclear assault on the old geezer. (Ehhh, he probably hasn't paid any taxes recently.)
compliment the man on his exquisite choice of dead frogs, drop a few dimes into his hand, and continue on to your destination, where a burly assassin named Valdron awaits.

6. Amidst a sea of Captain Crunch cut-outs, you stand out like:

a sore thumb, severed via chainsaw and tossed into a vat of Liquid Hot Mag-mah^TM.
a checkered flag protruding from your grandmother's armpit
a hoard of berserked hamsters trapped in a waffle iron
the real Captain Crunch, of course -- sans talking CrunchBerries

7. You walk into a bar and discover that you are surrounded by a strange assortment of multicolored talking bears. You:

have clearly had too much to drink, like usual
casually inquire if hunting season has begun yet
converse normally with the bears, as you do with the rest of your hallucinations
calmly ignite your flame-thrower and torch the place, along with the neighboring forest, since Smokey is passed out in the corner

8. Critique this statement: "People should mind their own business."

I reckon this statement's true, cuz I gots my shotgun
Sure, everyone should mind their own business, except me, because I've got Jesus on my side!!!
THE CHILDREN!!!! WHY WON'T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?!?!?!
I am everyone, so yeah, I tend to mind my own business

Intrapersonal Issues

9. On average, you get the following amount of sleep per night:

at least eight hours
4 - 8 hours
0 - 4 hours
fewer than 0 hours

10. In general, the Voices tend to:

get along just fine with each other, although sometimes General Casper has to kick Morton's ass
eat all of the macaroni & cheese before you get a fair chance
take frequent, extended vacations... along with their associated parts of your brain
guide you to strange websites whose personality tests reassure you that there are indeed people out there who are at least fifty times more schizophrenic than you are

11. After a tiring day at work, you fight your way through traffic and eventually arrive at home, where you unwind by:

having dinner, which your enslaved spouse and/or children have been preparing since the crack of dawn.
reading a book about the evolution of 20th-century sadomasochism and its necessary relationship to the ecological decline of cute little bunny rabbits with SHAHP, PUHNTY TEETH!!!!
removing your belt and calling out, "Honey! Kids! It's time for your nightly whipping!"
dressing up as the Straw Man and running around the neighborhood, singing "If Only I Had a Brain!"

12. Critique this statement: "El desayuno de hoy esta atras de los jugardores del futbol americano; entonces, hay un libro que esta en el cielo de los huevos democraticos."

This statement is true; Don Quixote couldn't have said it better himself.
This statement is false; el pollo vino antes del huevo.
This statement is false; I do not understand Spanish.
This statement is false; all of the critiques contain semicolons.

13. The most sinister letter of the alphabet is:

R
X
Z
Q

14. On average, the number of Brazilian Death Spiders you keep in your breast pocket most nearly equals:

3
12
57
-8.7

15. You are jostled awake at night by the sound of a ninja gang crashing through your bedroom window. One of them has your mother tied up in a large burlap bag, and he announces that, in order to save your mother's life, you must run around the world ecstatically for ten years, wearing only a 200-pound sombrero and a clip-on blender. You respond:

by valiantly agreeing to the ninja gang's offer in order to save your dear mother, since you're such a selfless bastard.
with a defiant "HELL NO!", since, given mom's genetics, she's likely to have a heart attack in another year or so anyway.
by whipping out your flame-thrower (which you always keep handy under your bed), shouting, "NO ONE SHALL EVER TAKE MY MOTHER AWAY FROM ME!!!" and unleashing the flaming wrath of Hades upon the entire wretched ninja gang (and some burlap bag that one of them has).
by refusing to answer any more questions on this damn test, because how often do rogue ninja gangs pillage your house and use your mother in a burlap bag as ransom?

Romantic Expression

16. Generally speaking, your dating philosophy is:

to hold out until Mr(s). Right comes along, otherwise you will be declared Impure and be sent directly to Hell without passing Go and/or collecting $200.
to date as many people as humanly possible in order to add Points to your Scorecard
to be somewhat selective in your choice of partners, refusing to date anyone whose name starts with Q, R, Z, X, or any other letter declared to be Sinister within the past year.
to frequently consult your pet cactus Pokey about your dating woes, noting that he disapproves of a decision when he shoots a needle into your eye.

17. On a first date, it's always good to bring:

flowers, especially those of the carnivorous type.
your Shotgun of the Day, since you never know when your date's a liberal.
your most recent ex, because you've always wanted to be the guy in Mortal Kombat who goes, "Round 1: FIGHT!" and "Cano. Wins."
your mother-in-law's corpse, because it makes an excellent conversation piece.

18. After conversing extensively with your date, you discover that (s)he is really a five-headed emu-leopard from the planet Sirrion. This alters your perception of your date in that:

you are unhealthily excited, since five-headed emu-leopards from the planet Sirrion are also rumored to possess five of something else.
you feel excruciatingly betrayed, as you were convinced that the extra four heads were merely part of an elaborate, multi-national conspiracy to coerce you into expanding your dating horizons.
you feel an overwhelming sense of anxiety that you'll talk disproportionately too much to one of the heads, thereby alienating the other four, who will consequently feel compelled to plot your demise at the many hands of the omnipotent, thousand-armed Sirrion god Arms-Dorf.
you are grateful that your date is not a clumsy, self-aggrandizing earthworm who grows in size at arbitrary time intervals.

19. Inter-racial dating is:

perfectly fine, because I'm white, I'm rich, and Daddy will sue your poor ass if you say otherwise.
the mark of the consummate sinner -- may God-fearing Christians unite under white crosses and cloves of garlic!
permissible, assuming that the sum total of all applicable Affirmative Action Points is greater than 100.
a metaphor for all facets of organized society, for they are emblazoned with the endemic specter of Ralshumavikur the Generic Household Appliance.

20. Pretend, for a moment, that you are male. (Guys: this means you too!) There is an attractive young lady within a two-mile radius; therefore, you would like to get in her pants. However, you suspect (ever so vaguely) that she may not be interested in you at all. What is your strategy?

Admit total and utter defeat for all eternity, for this two-mile radius happens to be located in the middle of Montana.
Locate the nearest telephone booth, because you tend to pick up more chicks as Superman.
Shrug apprehensively, as you have reason to believe that Mr. T is watching you.
Chug a handle of vodka, abandon all inhibitions, and promptly fall down a sewer drain.

21. Now pretend, again for a moment, that you are female. You have a date with Eric -- a charming, funny, considerate gentleman -- but you've decided to stand him up because Rocko is in town, and listening to him repeatedly call you a bitch, whore, and/or slut is much more exciting than having a meaningful, stimulating conversation with Eric. For Eric, you feel:

pity; the boy is stuck in one of those 1950s burger joints, but damn, those fries and shakes kick ass!
sympathy; you too have lost a beloved pet Jedi monkey
absolutely nothing; isn't it obvious from the situation that you're a superficial, heartless bitch?!
I object, Your Honor -- Dr. Wolfgang is far too bitter about this particular subject to provide a reasonable set of answer choices. I move that my client's answer be stricken from the record, and that the Court/Dr. Wolfgang/Whoever adjourn to the General Intelligence portion of this purported personality test.

General Intelligence

22. If Billy has three horse heads, Bobby has twelve squid tentacles, Barney has two thousand eight hundred twenty-seven orangutan pancreases, and Beebop has a Big Mac, large fries and a medium Coke, what is the probability that Barney and Beebop could beat the shit out of Billy and Bobby?

50%
80%
100%
Impossible to determine; the average terminal velocity of an orangutan pancreas is unknown

23. The square root of 276 most nearly equals:

R
X
Z
Q

24. Which of the following exclamations of pain and despair is most unlike the others?

ARRRGGHH!!!
RAAAHHHHRR!!!
GRRAGGH!!!
GWWAAAHHR!!!

25. Todd the Viking walks into a pub and orders a club sandwich for $4.95. He also pays the piano man (who is Billy Joel) five bucks to play the Swedish national anthem backwards. However, this information quickly becomes irrelevant as the arbitrary variable x goes to infinity, because a Chinese butterfly flapping its wings at the planetary Nyquist Frequency causes the pub to spontaneously combust.

Oops.
Dah, crap.
$4.95
Yay!

26. Which phrase best completes the following argument?

Pigh hswar mennp kopft wumn!! Udfht jegf mlimp vraqh...

...zoof thrywrk mrok yark!!
...tueoip kpoig yiddponk?!?!
...arbh zhik juweep! Kpoig zoof? Ha ha ha.
...AAARRRRRGGGHHH!!!

27. John Malkovich with a dunce cap versus He-Man and an entourage of colossal fire-breathing potato bugs on roller skates?

Malkovich
He-Man
Potato bugs
Dunce cap

Emotional Perception

28. There is a woman sitting by herself on a park bench. She is wearing a conservative black dress and dark sunglasses, and she is staring absent-mindedly at her knees. A tear falls from her left eye, and Godzilla is terrorizing the people of Tokyo. Which of the following scenarios best describes the woman's situation?

She is clearly a paranoid schizophrenic with one or more quasi-invisible lovers named Nigel.
She is mourning the death of Sir Lancelot, who valiantly fought but fell to the Great Chicken of Bristol.
(Where the hell did Godzilla come from?)
You know, the complete disintegration of Mariah Carey's wholesomeness can be directly linked to the emerging socioeconomic strife of poison-spitting Communist tree-frogs in central Bolivia.

29. John is in love with Mary. Mary is in love with Brad. Brad is in love with Hugo. Hugo wants to beat the crap out of Brad. Tee-Bor sometimes likes Mary, but other times he wants to throw the bitch off of a tall building. John secretly lusts after Tee-Bor, but he is about to get shot by Q-Dogg. Li Mu Bai wields the Green Destiny. Big Ole Pete hates everyone. Britney Spears has lost her virginity to the media. The geometric shape that best describes the interrelationship between all of these people is:

an octagon
a dodecahedron
an inverted isosceles triangle in which is embedded an ellipsoid on whose minor central axis lies a twelve-dimensional hypercube which contains the Warp Zone to Level 8
your mom

30. While backing out of your driveway, you accidentally run over Ghandi, and he dies. This event is most likely to make people feel:

very angry, because YOU KILLED GHANDI YOU BASTARD!!!
very disappointed, because Ghandi was going to rumble with Triple-H on Smackdown next week
like the proverbial Philadelphia cheesesteak stuck in a bird's nest
slightly weirded-out, because Ghandi was sort of dead long before you killed him, eh?

31. If Mickey Mouse were to incinerate Pluto with a flame-thrower, what would be the first thought to come into your head?

"The prominence and prevalence of cartoon violence in modern American society epitomizes the inhumane injustice inherent in insisting on alliteratively alluding along an abstract analogy that isn't really an analogy and ah crap I just broke the alliteration."
"Heh heh, fire."
"Um, question: what the HELL is your obsession with flame-throwers, I swear this is like the third one that's shown up in this test and AAAAAAAAAGGGHH STOP! THAT BURNS! THAT BURNS!"
"STOP IT ALREADY!!! I'm still mourning the death of Ghandi in the previous question!"

32. You are about to finish taking this test. How do you feel about this?

HELLZ YEAH!!!
Awwww, I'm having fun, I was hoping there were like a thousand questions.
WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL OF THE ELVES?!?! YOU TOLD ME THERE WOULD BE ELVES!!!
Dot com, dot com, dot com, everything's dot com!! WHY IS EVERYTHING DOT COM?!?!?!

Answer Me These Questions Three

33. What, is your name?

34. What, is your quest?

35. What, is your favorite color?

Yay: You're Done!

On behalf of Dr. Wolfgang, myself, and all of the Voices in my head, thank you for having the courage and persistence to negotiate this rather twisted path to self-elucidation.